"Do you ever feel like this is too good to be true?" You ask from the passenger seat of my car.
"Yes, all of the time." And I mean it with all of my heart. This is the most real thing I've felt in my entire life.
So I'll close my eyes and you take hold of the wheel.
Tell me when to press on the gas and tell me when to break.
It'll be okay; I trust you.
I trust you I trust you I trust you
(Even though I can't see you. Even though I have no idea what may happen next.)
I trust you I trust you I trust you I TRUST YOU...
CRASH.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Today.
On days like today, my Dad always tells me to make a list of ten things I am thankful for. He says it will make me feel better. So. Here it goes:
1. How when I feel all mixed up and slightly insane and like I'm only pretending to be an actual person, all it takes is a quick phone call to Janie to make me feel real again.
2. Those few people that can read me and know how I'm doing without me even saying a word.
3. This gorgeous weather outside and that talented kid at this park playing some of the most raw, beautiful music with his guitar.
4. My date with Kim to watch The Office later
5. Saddness and tears. They have made me appreciate happiness and smiling and laughing so much more. I am so very blessed.
6. My new grey sweater
7. An excuse to skip my classes this morning
8. SPRING BREAK. Which officially started for me today at 12:05
9. My sister. I love that she went out of her way to make me feel special on my bad day on Monday. I love her.
10. Above all, my God that lavished his love upon me and thinks that I am lovely and special, and that I have infinite intrinsic value.
1. How when I feel all mixed up and slightly insane and like I'm only pretending to be an actual person, all it takes is a quick phone call to Janie to make me feel real again.
2. Those few people that can read me and know how I'm doing without me even saying a word.
3. This gorgeous weather outside and that talented kid at this park playing some of the most raw, beautiful music with his guitar.
4. My date with Kim to watch The Office later
5. Saddness and tears. They have made me appreciate happiness and smiling and laughing so much more. I am so very blessed.
6. My new grey sweater
7. An excuse to skip my classes this morning
8. SPRING BREAK. Which officially started for me today at 12:05
9. My sister. I love that she went out of her way to make me feel special on my bad day on Monday. I love her.
10. Above all, my God that lavished his love upon me and thinks that I am lovely and special, and that I have infinite intrinsic value.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Correct me if I'm wrong, but...
I think you've been parched for authentic conversation for such a long time.
And not just the whispered conversations in libraries
Not the fragmented, impersonal text strung together and exchanged on electronic screens
Not a line or two in a postcard, skimming over anything close to personal
Or neatly picked words, rehearsed speech over coffee or tea
No.
You're craving honesty, intimacy, the good, bad, uncomfortable, funny, serious, embarrassing, silly, profound.
You want to share dreams and fears.
Pet peeves and passions.
Guilty pleasures and favorite memories.
You want to spill your guts and bleed all over everything, for better or for worse.
(I'm sorry. I can't do that for you.)
And not just the whispered conversations in libraries
Not the fragmented, impersonal text strung together and exchanged on electronic screens
Not a line or two in a postcard, skimming over anything close to personal
Or neatly picked words, rehearsed speech over coffee or tea
No.
You're craving honesty, intimacy, the good, bad, uncomfortable, funny, serious, embarrassing, silly, profound.
You want to share dreams and fears.
Pet peeves and passions.
Guilty pleasures and favorite memories.
You want to spill your guts and bleed all over everything, for better or for worse.
(I'm sorry. I can't do that for you.)
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
((stream of consciousness))
Lazy Morning.
I woke up slowly, went upstairs and got some coffee, and climbed back into bed and stayed there for a least and hour listening to sappy songs and talking to Kim online.
Most mornings when Kim is here, she and I have random talks about nothings that turn into something while she’s getting ready, blow drying her hair and asking me if her outfit looks okay, and I’m drinking coffee or eating cereal. So I guess this felt like the right way to start out the day.
I ended up looking at old photos of Cate, for some reason. The same haunting feeling came over me. The whole thing is haunting. I won’t get over that feeling.
I ended up thinking of Mate’ Monday that I shared with Sara yesterday. That was haunting too, in a way. So much that has happened recently seems surreal.
My heart started breaking all over again for the hurting people in my life. I wish I knew the right things to do/say/feel for these people, but lately I don't feel like I do. Loving used to be the one thing I was good at.
I woke up slowly, went upstairs and got some coffee, and climbed back into bed and stayed there for a least and hour listening to sappy songs and talking to Kim online.
Most mornings when Kim is here, she and I have random talks about nothings that turn into something while she’s getting ready, blow drying her hair and asking me if her outfit looks okay, and I’m drinking coffee or eating cereal. So I guess this felt like the right way to start out the day.
I ended up looking at old photos of Cate, for some reason. The same haunting feeling came over me. The whole thing is haunting. I won’t get over that feeling.
I ended up thinking of Mate’ Monday that I shared with Sara yesterday. That was haunting too, in a way. So much that has happened recently seems surreal.
My heart started breaking all over again for the hurting people in my life. I wish I knew the right things to do/say/feel for these people, but lately I don't feel like I do. Loving used to be the one thing I was good at.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Trust
I love my parents. I do. They are such smart people. And all my life, they've taught me how to do the logical thing, to believe in reality. These things are important.
I love someone else, too. But he taught me about completely different things. He taught me about trusting, rather than knowing. He taught me that things won't always make sense, and that is okay. He taught me about dreaming.
Logic, faith. Reality, dreams. They seem to kind of conflict. But perhaps they go hand in hand? Like a paradox?
I'm still working all of that out, but now I'm in touch with my dreaming side. I want to go to New Zealand next fall. I want to get married one day. I want to learn to play guitar. I want to go so many places all over the world and help the hurting, broken people out there. I want so many other things, too, that I don't dare say out loud quite yet. These are my current dreams. I don't know how this will all work out; the logical part of me says I can't possibly have all of my dreams. But I believe that my God is bigger than that.
I believe that He put these desires in my heart for a reason. I believe that my heart is important to Him, and that He is greater than all of these things. I believe...
.TRUST.
I love someone else, too. But he taught me about completely different things. He taught me about trusting, rather than knowing. He taught me that things won't always make sense, and that is okay. He taught me about dreaming.
Logic, faith. Reality, dreams. They seem to kind of conflict. But perhaps they go hand in hand? Like a paradox?
I'm still working all of that out, but now I'm in touch with my dreaming side. I want to go to New Zealand next fall. I want to get married one day. I want to learn to play guitar. I want to go so many places all over the world and help the hurting, broken people out there. I want so many other things, too, that I don't dare say out loud quite yet. These are my current dreams. I don't know how this will all work out; the logical part of me says I can't possibly have all of my dreams. But I believe that my God is bigger than that.
I believe that He put these desires in my heart for a reason. I believe that my heart is important to Him, and that He is greater than all of these things. I believe...
.TRUST.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
details.
For better or for worse, there are several, little, inconsequential things about myself that I’m certain will probably never change. Like how whenever any Counting Crows song comes on the radio, I will blast it far too loud. Or how the longest I can keep my room clean is about a week, if that. Or how I love brushing my teeth in the shower. Or how I am bound to mess up at least one step when baking anything. It’s nothing at all noteworthy, but I find comfort in the sameness. In the fact that, in this world where anything can change at any moment, some of my little details stay the same.
There are some little things, though, that I hope will change eventually. Like the nauseous feeling I get whenever I drive past the Bronco park. Or how I skip past all the backseat goodbye songs when my iTunes is on random. Or how I feel completely lame whenever purchasing anything from American Eagle anymore. Yes, this is me. At least, it’s a part of me. But is it a part that’s here to stay?
Anyways. I think I’ll do us both a favor and try to back up a bit. The big picture looks pretty good.
There are some little things, though, that I hope will change eventually. Like the nauseous feeling I get whenever I drive past the Bronco park. Or how I skip past all the backseat goodbye songs when my iTunes is on random. Or how I feel completely lame whenever purchasing anything from American Eagle anymore. Yes, this is me. At least, it’s a part of me. But is it a part that’s here to stay?
Anyways. I think I’ll do us both a favor and try to back up a bit. The big picture looks pretty good.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
In memory of Cate Colbert
Flickering candles in our hands
Heartbroken wailings, raw and bitter
Naseous feelings in the pits of our stomaches
Hello.
I don't know you, and you don't know me
But I know you know how I feel right now
This shouldn't have been the way that we met
This shouldn't be the reason we're all gathered here
Picture of a girl we all know (do we?)
Radient smile on her face that we all recognize
We swap memories of Her
Which leads to smiles and laughs
Then fade to tears brimming up in our eyes
From the disconnect of talking about Her in the past tense
No one needs to tie a ribbon around their finger to remember this
No one needs to mark it on their calendars
Or write with sharpie on their hands
In memory of Cate Colbert. Much love miss.
Heartbroken wailings, raw and bitter
Naseous feelings in the pits of our stomaches
Hello.
I don't know you, and you don't know me
But I know you know how I feel right now
This shouldn't have been the way that we met
This shouldn't be the reason we're all gathered here
Picture of a girl we all know (do we?)
Radient smile on her face that we all recognize
We swap memories of Her
Which leads to smiles and laughs
Then fade to tears brimming up in our eyes
From the disconnect of talking about Her in the past tense
No one needs to tie a ribbon around their finger to remember this
No one needs to mark it on their calendars
Or write with sharpie on their hands
In memory of Cate Colbert. Much love miss.
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