Swimming

Kim and I go swimming Thursdays.

Unlike Kate Nash, we’re not that good at it. However, LIKE Kate Nash, I do think about numbers and count the laps when I swim. All sorts of numbers. I think about how the pool gradually goes from 5 feet to 10 feet. I count the ceiling tiles when I do the back stroke, too. But I also think about how certain numbers feel different than they really are. Like how two sometimes feel like one. And when you subtract 1 from 2, the answer is 1 but it feels like a half. Because it belongs with the other 1 that it lost, and it should be called "two". I think some very strange things sometimes.

However, mostly I count or think nothing at all, and it clears my head in such a refreshing way. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday my head is so full and busy and noisy. Something about the water all over my skin and my head submerged underwater where all I can hear is the swishing and splashing of the other swimmers, just purges my mind of all the messiness.

And there I am in the raw, with my hair a mess and no make up on and I don’t care.

I don’t care I don’t care I don’t care I don’t care…

(Well, at least, not about this. Other things that I say I don’t care about… that’s a different story.)

It’s a very freeing experience, and the ironic part is that it doesn’t come for free. Leaving all of your inhibitions at the door is something that has to be worked at. Earned, maybe.

More often than not I think I probably write about nothing. I try to put words to those half formed thoughts that lie around in my brain, and the result is confusing or abstract or altogether uninteresting. I end up relying on the words of other people (like Kate Nash). This is a crutch, I know. But, here you are. These are the things that were swimming around in my head this morning while I was swimming around in the water.

Short.

Joy.

It may be fleeting, but I swear I won’t miss a beat.

Shining bright sunshine-y yellow all through my mind, on everything I see.

Radiating tingly warmth from my eyesnosesmileyface to my feet.

(I think God creates moments like this to show that he loves me)

Fender Bender

"Do you ever feel like this is too good to be true?" You ask from the passenger seat of my car.

"Yes, all of the time." And I mean it with all of my heart. This is the most real thing I've felt in my entire life.

So I'll close my eyes and you take hold of the wheel.
Tell me when to press on the gas and tell me when to break.
It'll be okay; I trust you.

I trust you I trust you I trust you
(Even though I can't see you. Even though I have no idea what may happen next.)
I trust you I trust you I trust you I TRUST YOU...

CRASH.

Today.

On days like today, my Dad always tells me to make a list of ten things I am thankful for. He says it will make me feel better. So. Here it goes:

1. How when I feel all mixed up and slightly insane and like I'm only pretending to be an actual person, all it takes is a quick phone call to Janie to make me feel real again.

2. Those few people that can read me and know how I'm doing without me even saying a word.

3. This gorgeous weather outside and that talented kid at this park playing some of the most raw, beautiful music with his guitar.

4. My date with Kim to watch The Office later

5. Saddness and tears. They have made me appreciate happiness and smiling and laughing so much more. I am so very blessed.

6. My new grey sweater

7. An excuse to skip my classes this morning

8. SPRING BREAK. Which officially started for me today at 12:05

9. My sister. I love that she went out of her way to make me feel special on my bad day on Monday. I love her.

10. Above all, my God that lavished his love upon me and thinks that I am lovely and special, and that I have infinite intrinsic value.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but...

I think you've been parched for authentic conversation for such a long time.
And not just the whispered conversations in libraries
Not the fragmented, impersonal text strung together and exchanged on electronic screens
Not a line or two in a postcard, skimming over anything close to personal
Or neatly picked words, rehearsed speech over coffee or tea

No.
You're craving honesty, intimacy, the good, bad, uncomfortable, funny, serious, embarrassing, silly, profound.
You want to share dreams and fears.
Pet peeves and passions.
Guilty pleasures and favorite memories.
You want to spill your guts and bleed all over everything, for better or for worse.

(I'm sorry. I can't do that for you.)

((stream of consciousness))

Lazy Morning.

I woke up slowly, went upstairs and got some coffee, and climbed back into bed and stayed there for a least and hour listening to sappy songs and talking to Kim online.

Most mornings when Kim is here, she and I have random talks about nothings that turn into something while she’s getting ready, blow drying her hair and asking me if her outfit looks okay, and I’m drinking coffee or eating cereal. So I guess this felt like the right way to start out the day.

I ended up looking at old photos of Cate, for some reason. The same haunting feeling came over me. The whole thing is haunting. I won’t get over that feeling.

I ended up thinking of Mate’ Monday that I shared with Sara yesterday. That was haunting too, in a way. So much that has happened recently seems surreal.

My heart started breaking all over again for the hurting people in my life. I wish I knew the right things to do/say/feel for these people, but lately I don't feel like I do. Loving used to be the one thing I was good at.

Trust

I love my parents. I do. They are such smart people. And all my life, they've taught me how to do the logical thing, to believe in reality. These things are important.

I love someone else, too. But he taught me about completely different things. He taught me about trusting, rather than knowing. He taught me that things won't always make sense, and that is okay. He taught me about dreaming.

Logic, faith. Reality, dreams. They seem to kind of conflict. But perhaps they go hand in hand? Like a paradox?

I'm still working all of that out, but now I'm in touch with my dreaming side. I want to go to New Zealand next fall. I want to get married one day. I want to learn to play guitar. I want to go so many places all over the world and help the hurting, broken people out there. I want so many other things, too, that I don't dare say out loud quite yet. These are my current dreams. I don't know how this will all work out; the logical part of me says I can't possibly have all of my dreams. But I believe that my God is bigger than that.

I believe that He put these desires in my heart for a reason. I believe that my heart is important to Him, and that He is greater than all of these things. I believe...

.TRUST.